Walking In Mud In Stilettos

  Like clockwork my father dishes out his usual anger at me the second he sees me. It’s been this way for a long time and while my mother makes excuses for his daily verbal and emotional abuse; I feel like I’m walking in mud in stilettos. While most children are praised for the accomplishments; mine go unnoticed and whatever I do is never enough. He always seems to have a new task for me to do, especially when he sees me in a good mood. It’s like I owe him for my existence and my existence was meant to serve him. I don’t know how he was raised; honestly he’s like a stranger to me, but why he can never be pleased and be so cruel without reason is sickening. He treats me like a dog and when I don’t obey I get punished. I’m like Sisyphus; forever rolling the boulder up the hill until my father knocks it back down again. I have known for a while that our relationship can never be fixed. He has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and he will never change. It’s difficult being around him; so much that I spend most of my time in my room away from him and my borderline mother. I dream of the day I can finally cut myself off from him and never see him again.

  Its hard having parents who fail to love, support, and help. I get PTSD from seeing happy families because it brings back memories of abuse. Few understand the extreme pain from this constant barrage of hatred. When I moved out of my ex’s house in the middle of the night I actually thought it would be better to be homeless. Moving back in was like crawling into a sewage pipe.

  I was just learning about psychology and when I looked at the people around me I noticed one thing. I was a doormat and they all had dirty ass shoes. It might not seem like it to some, but cutting all of these people out of my life was one of the bravest things I have ever done. The relief I felt was outstanding. For some time I have been alone and have tried to make friends, but it’s hard finding good people. Misery loves company and I tend to drift towards bad people because it’s what I’m use to. Being alone is unbearable, but I’d rather be alone than accept any more trash in my life. I refuse to be used and hurt anymore. I deserve kind, caring, and positive people in my life.