Walking In Mud In Stilettos

  Like clockwork my father dishes out his usual anger at me the second he sees me. It’s been this way for a long time and while my mother makes excuses for his daily verbal and emotional abuse; I feel like I’m walking in mud in stilettos. While most children are praised for the accomplishments; mine go unnoticed and whatever I do is never enough. He always seems to have a new task for me to do, especially when he sees me in a good mood. It’s like I owe him for my existence and my existence was meant to serve him. I don’t know how he was raised; honestly he’s like a stranger to me, but why he can never be pleased and be so cruel without reason is sickening. He treats me like a dog and when I don’t obey I get punished. I’m like Sisyphus; forever rolling the boulder up the hill until my father knocks it back down again. I have known for a while that our relationship can never be fixed. He has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and he will never change. It’s difficult being around him; so much that I spend most of my time in my room away from him and my borderline mother. I dream of the day I can finally cut myself off from him and never see him again.

  Its hard having parents who fail to love, support, and help. I get PTSD from seeing happy families because it brings back memories of abuse. Few understand the extreme pain from this constant barrage of hatred. When I moved out of my ex’s house in the middle of the night I actually thought it would be better to be homeless. Moving back in was like crawling into a sewage pipe.

  I was just learning about psychology and when I looked at the people around me I noticed one thing. I was a doormat and they all had dirty ass shoes. It might not seem like it to some, but cutting all of these people out of my life was one of the bravest things I have ever done. The relief I felt was outstanding. For some time I have been alone and have tried to make friends, but it’s hard finding good people. Misery loves company and I tend to drift towards bad people because it’s what I’m use to. Being alone is unbearable, but I’d rather be alone than accept any more trash in my life. I refuse to be used and hurt anymore. I deserve kind, caring, and positive people in my life. 

Small Steps

I can never see myself going to a therapist; so I’m glad it’s possible for me to help myself. Though I can tell you self healing isn’t easy; especially if you’re still in a toxic environment surround by the people who hurt you the most. I’m slowly starting to discover my true self and accept myself for who I truly am. I am finally doing things I always wanted to do, whether or not my family approves of them. Like I : got a few tattoos and I'm re-gauging my ears, wearing makeup and doing my hair, and dressing how I please. My parents still try their old abusive tactics, but I see through them now and it’s easier to deal with. They just can't stand to see me happy and confident; it reminds them of their own insecurities I guess. Accepting and loving myself for the first time has really worked wonders for my spirit and given me hope that things can and will get better.

   My parents would always tell me how worthless art was, but now I don’t care what they say anymore. And picking up the paint brushes and finally doing what I love is pure bliss. It really is fun to finally do things I was always shamed for; I’m hoping to save up enough money to take some art classes at the local Community college.
 

Invisible

So my brother is here for Labor Day weekend; queue the depression. It's moments like this that really test my inner strength. I care for my brother, but when he's here I don't exist. And it's like I'm a young child again, trying desperately to get attention and affection from my parents to no avail. I try to join in, but my voice gets lost in their disinterest. I might as well be talking to a wall. 

  That's the worst thing about child trauma, it never goes away; you only get use to the pain. All I can do to stop myself from breaking down in tears is writing; write all the pain down so it doesn’t burst out of me all at once. My whole life has been a battle with my brother that I’ll never win. I’ll always be the outcast. I’m so thankful I turned to the internet instead of suicide. I dived into psychology and learned as much as I could. When I finally came to realize that what happened to me was in fact abuse; it brought me to tears, but also I was relived. I thought I was crazy and too sensitive, but no…my parents abused me. They treated me like an object; a trash can, to dump all their negativity and hate. And what’s worse is when I leave to the sanctuary of my room, they get hostile because I’m not there to play the designated role I was assigned at birth.

Indecision

I just can't pick something. Most people my age seem to have things all figured out. They have a good job, career plan, and have started their own families. Meanwhile I'm here completely lost; unable to decide what path to take. The child in me just wants to have fun and enjoy life; while the logical adult is stressed out and focused only on finance. I was raised to obey, I was completely co-dependent and now I have to suddenly decide on everything!? My whole life has been doing what others wanted; from my family to friends. I'm glad I reached this point of recovery to were I'm putting my wants and needs first, but It's so new to me that I'm just completely lost. I mean how do people just pick something? "Oh I'll be a doctor!" or "I'm going to be a musician!"; nope not me. I can barely decide what to have for breakfast; let alone what to do with the rest of my life. I'm still trying to find out who I am so this won't be easy, but I'm not giving up!

It's Official...I'm Old

I just can't keep up with technology anymore. Maybe it's because I'm a bit dim, but these days I'm starting to feel like my grandmother. She huffs and puffs at all tech; and is adamant about using anything other than her television. Recently I updated my itunes and I got so flabbergasted when I couldn't figure it out. I use to pride myself when my parents reached out to me when they had problems with their computers and working the blue-ray player. Now I'm realizing that pretty soon I'll be the same and it's troubling. Not just falling behind with technology, but the world around me.Eventually I'll feel like a fish out of water, I'll end up reminiscing about the good old days of twitter.