Like clockwork my father dishes out his usual anger at me
the second he sees me. It’s been this way for a long time and while my mother
makes excuses for his daily verbal and emotional abuse; I feel like I’m walking
in mud in stilettos. While most children are praised for the accomplishments;
mine go unnoticed and whatever I do is never enough. He always seems to have a
new task for me to do, especially when he sees me in a good mood. It’s like I
owe him for my existence and my existence was meant to serve him. I don’t know
how he was raised; honestly he’s like a stranger to me, but why he can never be
pleased and be so cruel without reason is sickening. He treats me like a dog
and when I don’t obey I get punished. I’m like Sisyphus; forever rolling the
boulder up the hill until my father knocks it back down again. I have known for
a while that our relationship can never be fixed. He has Narcissistic Personality
Disorder and he will never change. It’s difficult being around him; so much
that I spend most of my time in my room away from him and my borderline mother.
I dream of the day I can finally cut myself off from him and never see him
again.
Its hard having parents who fail to love, support, and help.
I get PTSD from seeing happy families because it brings back memories of abuse.
Few understand the extreme pain from this constant barrage of hatred. When I
moved out of my ex’s house in the middle of the night I actually thought it
would be better to be homeless. Moving back in was like crawling into a sewage
pipe.
I was just learning about psychology and when I looked at
the people around me I noticed one thing. I was a doormat and they all had
dirty ass shoes. It might not seem like it to some, but cutting all of these
people out of my life was one of the bravest things I have ever done. The relief
I felt was outstanding. For some time I have been alone and have tried to make
friends, but it’s hard finding good people. Misery loves company and I tend to
drift towards bad people because it’s what I’m use to. Being alone is
unbearable, but I’d rather be alone than accept any more trash in my life. I
refuse to be used and hurt anymore. I deserve kind, caring, and positive people
in my life.