It's almost 1 am and I awake to my mothers' whistling, she's whistling as loud a she can in the hallway. She knows it is one of my pet peeves, so I know she is quite displeased with me. Then I hear her mumble "Bitch" as she walks past my door. So much for going back to sleep, now I have to write to help myself cope and calm down.
Most mothers would love to come home and find their daughter has made dinner, not mine, to her it's an attack. My mother sees me as a threat, anything I do to outshine her sends her into a rage. My accomplishments are always greeted with malice and jealousy. When I was learning about psychology to help myself heal, I learned that my mother has BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder. Mothers with BPD are constantly competing with their daughters. You aren't viewed as a child, but a threat. Like the queen in Snow White, they're constantly comparing themselves to you and competing with you. Anything you can do, she can do better...or else you get the poison apple. If you ever do anything better than her you will pay for it sooner or later. It has been this way my whole life. I have been in a tug of war with my mother for just about everything.
Fortunately I know now that this is not my fault, but her way of coping with her insecurity and self loathing. I just have to brush these attacks off and focus on me. Which is truly the only thing a daughter of borderline mother can do. Most mothers can't and won't change, so you have to. We were deprived of a loving and caring mother. So mourn the mother we should of had and move on. I still find myself trying to win her love, but I know this is toxic and will only hurt me in the long run. I can't make her love me and no one else should have to make their parents love them, that should come naturally. But I won't give up, I just have to remember that she is mentally sick and I can't heal her, I can only heal myself.
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