Stormy Seas

It's been pretty rough for me for a while. I have just been so depressed lately and it doesn't help having PTSD flashbacks of the abuse I went through as a child. And my parents have stepped it up with the abuse, it's everyday now. I'm ignored until they want to use me as their personal punching bag. I feel like I'm hiding on enemy lines write now as I am locked away in my room writing this.
They good news is I have climbed out of the sad hole I was in and feeling better, sad feelings linger, but at least I can function now. I have a lot of cleaning to do that I wasn't able too and I also have about a million others things.

The Poison Apple

  It's almost 1 am and I awake to my mothers' whistling, she's whistling as loud a she can in the hallway. She knows it is one of my pet peeves, so I know she is quite displeased with me. Then I hear her mumble "Bitch" as she walks past my door. So much for going back to sleep, now I have to write to help myself cope and calm down.

  Most mothers would love to come home and find their daughter has made dinner, not mine, to her it's an attack. My mother sees me as a threat, anything I do to outshine her sends her into a rage. My accomplishments are always greeted with malice and jealousy. When I was learning about psychology to help myself heal, I learned that my mother has BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder. Mothers with BPD are constantly competing with their daughters. You aren't viewed as  a child, but a threat. Like the queen in Snow White, they're constantly comparing themselves to you and competing with you. Anything you can do, she can do better...or else you get the poison apple. If you ever do anything better than her you will pay for it sooner or later. It has been this way my whole life. I have been in a tug of war with my mother for just about everything.

  Fortunately I know now that this is not my fault, but her way of coping with her insecurity and self loathing. I just have to brush these attacks off and focus on me. Which is truly the only thing a daughter of borderline mother can do. Most mothers can't and won't change, so you have to. We were deprived of a loving and caring mother. So mourn the mother we should of had and move on. I still find myself trying to win her love, but I know this is toxic and will only hurt me in the long run. I can't make her love me and no one else should have to make their parents love them, that should come naturally. But I won't give up, I just have to remember that she is mentally sick and I can't heal her, I can only heal myself.

Last night I had an epiphany...

It was like my eyes had finally opened after being stuck in the dark for so long. I was outside myself looking at everything and a peace enthralled me for the first time in a long time.

My life has been a roller coaster of highs and lows; more lows than most. For a couple years since I came to realize what I had gone through was in fact abuse it has been a slow road to recovery. Even still I have moments where the pain from the past resurfaces and I don't know if I can handle all the negative emotions. But now I can finally say I am free to move on…from what has happened to me, to let go and dive into the possibilities.

I can’t really explain it without it sounding ridiculous, but it was like my soul was speaking to me. I was talking to myself from another level of consciousness.

I can’t remember what I said exactly, but I do remember some of it, and I will share it with the hope that it can heal others in some way.

It's not your fault, you didn't deserve what happened to you, but don’t let it consume you. You are far greater than you realize. You are extraordinary and no matter how much they hurt you, it is beneath you. They are weak, empty, and grotesque. They saw a light within you that they didn’t have. They couldn’t bare it, so they did everything in their power to try and snuff it out. But they failed, because you survived. You are still here and that light within you can and will only get brighter. But you have to let it go. Let the past be the past and learn to love yourself in every way. You’re not selfish, as they would have you believe, to put yourself first. You have to stop trying to see them as you would like them to be and see them for who they are, they can’t change that and they won’t. You are strong and beautiful in every way. When they lash out at you it’s because they envy you...your kindness, strength, and hope. In order to start healing you have to separate yourself from them. Misery loves company; they feed off of your pain and rage. Ignore their attempts and they will starve. They will do anything to keep you in their grasp, to keep this negative cycle going, don’t give in. just brush it off, accept their malice as their and theirs alone. You don’t have to accept it, stay in the light while they dwell in the dark. They can’t get out of this abyss, but you don’t have to join them. Stay above it, in the clouds. Be at peace with it, you cannot change the past or them, so let it all go. You can and will move on to a better future. The light within you is burning bright, keep going and it will burn forever.

That’s the most of it and simply rewriting it has me crying. These aren’t tears of sorrow, but hope, as well as happiness, because I can finally let go and move on.