Stormy Seas

It's been pretty rough for me for a while. I have just been so depressed lately and it doesn't help having PTSD flashbacks of the abuse I went through as a child. And my parents have stepped it up with the abuse, it's everyday now. I'm ignored until they want to use me as their personal punching bag. I feel like I'm hiding on enemy lines write now as I am locked away in my room writing this.
They good news is I have climbed out of the sad hole I was in and feeling better, sad feelings linger, but at least I can function now. I have a lot of cleaning to do that I wasn't able too and I also have about a million others things.

The Poison Apple

  It's almost 1 am and I awake to my mothers' whistling, she's whistling as loud a she can in the hallway. She knows it is one of my pet peeves, so I know she is quite displeased with me. Then I hear her mumble "Bitch" as she walks past my door. So much for going back to sleep, now I have to write to help myself cope and calm down.

  Most mothers would love to come home and find their daughter has made dinner, not mine, to her it's an attack. My mother sees me as a threat, anything I do to outshine her sends her into a rage. My accomplishments are always greeted with malice and jealousy. When I was learning about psychology to help myself heal, I learned that my mother has BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder. Mothers with BPD are constantly competing with their daughters. You aren't viewed as  a child, but a threat. Like the queen in Snow White, they're constantly comparing themselves to you and competing with you. Anything you can do, she can do better...or else you get the poison apple. If you ever do anything better than her you will pay for it sooner or later. It has been this way my whole life. I have been in a tug of war with my mother for just about everything.

  Fortunately I know now that this is not my fault, but her way of coping with her insecurity and self loathing. I just have to brush these attacks off and focus on me. Which is truly the only thing a daughter of borderline mother can do. Most mothers can't and won't change, so you have to. We were deprived of a loving and caring mother. So mourn the mother we should of had and move on. I still find myself trying to win her love, but I know this is toxic and will only hurt me in the long run. I can't make her love me and no one else should have to make their parents love them, that should come naturally. But I won't give up, I just have to remember that she is mentally sick and I can't heal her, I can only heal myself.

Last night I had an epiphany...

It was like my eyes had finally opened after being stuck in the dark for so long. I was outside myself looking at everything and a peace enthralled me for the first time in a long time.

My life has been a roller coaster of highs and lows; more lows than most. For a couple years since I came to realize what I had gone through was in fact abuse it has been a slow road to recovery. Even still I have moments where the pain from the past resurfaces and I don't know if I can handle all the negative emotions. But now I can finally say I am free to move on…from what has happened to me, to let go and dive into the possibilities.

I can’t really explain it without it sounding ridiculous, but it was like my soul was speaking to me. I was talking to myself from another level of consciousness.

I can’t remember what I said exactly, but I do remember some of it, and I will share it with the hope that it can heal others in some way.

It's not your fault, you didn't deserve what happened to you, but don’t let it consume you. You are far greater than you realize. You are extraordinary and no matter how much they hurt you, it is beneath you. They are weak, empty, and grotesque. They saw a light within you that they didn’t have. They couldn’t bare it, so they did everything in their power to try and snuff it out. But they failed, because you survived. You are still here and that light within you can and will only get brighter. But you have to let it go. Let the past be the past and learn to love yourself in every way. You’re not selfish, as they would have you believe, to put yourself first. You have to stop trying to see them as you would like them to be and see them for who they are, they can’t change that and they won’t. You are strong and beautiful in every way. When they lash out at you it’s because they envy you...your kindness, strength, and hope. In order to start healing you have to separate yourself from them. Misery loves company; they feed off of your pain and rage. Ignore their attempts and they will starve. They will do anything to keep you in their grasp, to keep this negative cycle going, don’t give in. just brush it off, accept their malice as their and theirs alone. You don’t have to accept it, stay in the light while they dwell in the dark. They can’t get out of this abyss, but you don’t have to join them. Stay above it, in the clouds. Be at peace with it, you cannot change the past or them, so let it all go. You can and will move on to a better future. The light within you is burning bright, keep going and it will burn forever.

That’s the most of it and simply rewriting it has me crying. These aren’t tears of sorrow, but hope, as well as happiness, because I can finally let go and move on. 

Walking In Mud In Stilettos

  Like clockwork my father dishes out his usual anger at me the second he sees me. It’s been this way for a long time and while my mother makes excuses for his daily verbal and emotional abuse; I feel like I’m walking in mud in stilettos. While most children are praised for the accomplishments; mine go unnoticed and whatever I do is never enough. He always seems to have a new task for me to do, especially when he sees me in a good mood. It’s like I owe him for my existence and my existence was meant to serve him. I don’t know how he was raised; honestly he’s like a stranger to me, but why he can never be pleased and be so cruel without reason is sickening. He treats me like a dog and when I don’t obey I get punished. I’m like Sisyphus; forever rolling the boulder up the hill until my father knocks it back down again. I have known for a while that our relationship can never be fixed. He has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and he will never change. It’s difficult being around him; so much that I spend most of my time in my room away from him and my borderline mother. I dream of the day I can finally cut myself off from him and never see him again.

  Its hard having parents who fail to love, support, and help. I get PTSD from seeing happy families because it brings back memories of abuse. Few understand the extreme pain from this constant barrage of hatred. When I moved out of my ex’s house in the middle of the night I actually thought it would be better to be homeless. Moving back in was like crawling into a sewage pipe.

  I was just learning about psychology and when I looked at the people around me I noticed one thing. I was a doormat and they all had dirty ass shoes. It might not seem like it to some, but cutting all of these people out of my life was one of the bravest things I have ever done. The relief I felt was outstanding. For some time I have been alone and have tried to make friends, but it’s hard finding good people. Misery loves company and I tend to drift towards bad people because it’s what I’m use to. Being alone is unbearable, but I’d rather be alone than accept any more trash in my life. I refuse to be used and hurt anymore. I deserve kind, caring, and positive people in my life. 

Small Steps

I can never see myself going to a therapist; so I’m glad it’s possible for me to help myself. Though I can tell you self healing isn’t easy; especially if you’re still in a toxic environment surround by the people who hurt you the most. I’m slowly starting to discover my true self and accept myself for who I truly am. I am finally doing things I always wanted to do, whether or not my family approves of them. Like I : got a few tattoos and I'm re-gauging my ears, wearing makeup and doing my hair, and dressing how I please. My parents still try their old abusive tactics, but I see through them now and it’s easier to deal with. They just can't stand to see me happy and confident; it reminds them of their own insecurities I guess. Accepting and loving myself for the first time has really worked wonders for my spirit and given me hope that things can and will get better.

   My parents would always tell me how worthless art was, but now I don’t care what they say anymore. And picking up the paint brushes and finally doing what I love is pure bliss. It really is fun to finally do things I was always shamed for; I’m hoping to save up enough money to take some art classes at the local Community college.
 

Invisible

So my brother is here for Labor Day weekend; queue the depression. It's moments like this that really test my inner strength. I care for my brother, but when he's here I don't exist. And it's like I'm a young child again, trying desperately to get attention and affection from my parents to no avail. I try to join in, but my voice gets lost in their disinterest. I might as well be talking to a wall. 

  That's the worst thing about child trauma, it never goes away; you only get use to the pain. All I can do to stop myself from breaking down in tears is writing; write all the pain down so it doesn’t burst out of me all at once. My whole life has been a battle with my brother that I’ll never win. I’ll always be the outcast. I’m so thankful I turned to the internet instead of suicide. I dived into psychology and learned as much as I could. When I finally came to realize that what happened to me was in fact abuse; it brought me to tears, but also I was relived. I thought I was crazy and too sensitive, but no…my parents abused me. They treated me like an object; a trash can, to dump all their negativity and hate. And what’s worse is when I leave to the sanctuary of my room, they get hostile because I’m not there to play the designated role I was assigned at birth.

Indecision

I just can't pick something. Most people my age seem to have things all figured out. They have a good job, career plan, and have started their own families. Meanwhile I'm here completely lost; unable to decide what path to take. The child in me just wants to have fun and enjoy life; while the logical adult is stressed out and focused only on finance. I was raised to obey, I was completely co-dependent and now I have to suddenly decide on everything!? My whole life has been doing what others wanted; from my family to friends. I'm glad I reached this point of recovery to were I'm putting my wants and needs first, but It's so new to me that I'm just completely lost. I mean how do people just pick something? "Oh I'll be a doctor!" or "I'm going to be a musician!"; nope not me. I can barely decide what to have for breakfast; let alone what to do with the rest of my life. I'm still trying to find out who I am so this won't be easy, but I'm not giving up!